Chapter 10
River still didn’t go back.
He followed me around every day.
But kept a subtle distance.
He wouldn’t interfere with my life or affect my social interactions.
He’d just clench his fists when other guys confessed to me.
Then the next day that person would show up with a black eye and duck away when they saw me.
Finally, I found him and wanted to talk to him.
“River, cut it out.”
River smiled bitterly. “I used to say that to you all the time. Never realized how much it hurt until it happened to me. Willa, I’m sorry.”
“River, let’s just let the past be the past. Can we both start new lives?”
River looked down and said nothing.
I said helplessly, “At least let me start a new life, okay? River, I’ve had a rough life. My birth parents lost me when I was little. When my adoptive parents took me in, they didn’t treat me well–they always made me do the hardest, most exhausting work, and if I didn’t do it right, they’d beat me
and not let me eat.”
“Later, my birth parents found me. They were rich, and I thought I’d finally have a good life.”
“But I was wrong. On the surface they were happy to find their biological daughter, but deep down they were embarrassed by this kid who didn’t fit in. My brother hated me, my non–biological sister bullied me, and my parents ended up blaming me for ruining their harmonious family.”
“They said they wished they’d never found me.”
“So I became more and more insecure. When I got bullied, I didn’t dare tell anyone because I was scared they’d ‘lose‘ me again, and then I’d have no home at all.”
“Until
you showed up. River, honestly, I fell for you the moment I saw you. When my parents took us to visit your family, when everyone else disliked me, you were the only one who’d talk to me and bring me drinks.”
“Later, you saved me. That night, you argued with my family, stood up for me. You finally made my parents realize how much they owed their biological daughter.”
“Then
you said you’d help me become amazing, make everyone like me.”
“I kept wondering–would ‘everyone‘ include you too?”
“Willa, stop…”
I ignored him, wiped away my tears, and continued:
“But I only dared keep those feelings buried inside. I was scared that if you knew, you’d be disgusted, and then I couldn’t stay by your side anymore.”
“So I desperately tried to do everything perfectly, tried to keep up with you. But I was just too stupid. No matter how hard I tried, I never stood out.” “Just when I was about to give up, our parents arranged our engagement, and you didn’t refuse.”
“You know what? I was so excited I couldn’t sleep for nights on end.”
“Later, we slowly started doing things couples do.”
“You told me to study hard so we could work together in the future. Because of that, I chose medicine–the hardest subject for me.”
“Gradually, people started praising me. But just when I thought I was qualified to stand beside you, Serena showed up. Her beauty, confidence, intelligence–they made my insecurity impossible to hide.”
“Looking back, I didn’t hate her. I was jealous. Jealous that she was confident enough to ask you to do anything without worrying you’d refuse, that she didn’t have to walk on eggshells around you.”
“I was even more jealous that she could make you ditch me over and over again.”
“Every day I’d ask myself why. Why, no matter how hard I tried, no one would choose me decisively.”
“When there were two options, I was always the one who got thrown away.”
“I thought maybe that’s just how my life would be. But I wasn’t willing to accept it.”
“I wanted to prove myself–prove I could do fine without you all.”
“And I’m almost there now.”
“So River, can you please just let me go?“”
After saying all that, my whole body went limp.
But I also felt happy.
After all this time, I could finally face that imperfect version of myself.
