“He did.”
“Why?”
“He said I didn’t love him enough.” I shrugged. “You guys are so complicated. I tried so hard. I brought him breakfast, went to all his classes with him… and he still didn’t think I loved him enough.”
Gervase smiled, an unreadable expression on his face. He looked out the window as the wheel began to turn. “Have you thought about your future?”
1 shook my head.
“So you’re just going to stay trapped in those memories forever? Never move forward?”
“I am moving forward,” I said. “I just don’t like to overthink things. I take it one step at a time.”
“Is that so?” The smile on his face faded slightly. The cabin was silent except for the rhythmic creak of the machinery above us. Looking out at the glittering cityscape, I spoke without thin-
king. “If I ever have a daughter, I’ll never raise her to be like me.” Never let her look at the world and only see things that make her unhappy./
Gervase watched me for a long time. “Do you want to hear the truth?”
“About what?”
“About what I really think of your current state.” He repeated the question. “Do you want to hear the truth?”
I nodded.
“You have no connection to this world,”
Degan. “You have a job, but you’re not invested. You have friends, but you’re not close. You have parents, but you’d be better off without them.
The only thing tying you to this world is the ground beneath your feet. In other words, if you were to disappear one day, you’d have no regrets.” He looked at me, his gaze serious and inten- se. “Stella, you have no tethers in this world.”
No tethers. Which me could easily just… leave? Die?
“You still think I’m going to kill myself?” I frowned. “Gervase, why do you keep-
“Do you want to create a tether for yourself?” he interrupted. “Have you ever considered… having a child with me?”
He’s completely insane. I turned my head and pretended I hadn’t heard him. He didn’t press the issue.
The Ferris wheel reached its highest point. Below us, the city was a tapestry of lights, the streets teeming with life. The air itself seemed to vibrate with energy.
“My ex told me,” I said wistfully, that couples who kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel will stay together forever.”
“So, did you kiss?”
I nodded. “It wasn’t anything special..”
“Okay, you can stop,” Gervase cut in sharply.
The amusement park was a kaleidosco don’t want to hear the details.” The atmosphere in the cabin suddenly grew cold. He led me off the wheel in silence.
front of the carousel.
“Want to ride?” he asked.
I shook my head.
”
of light and sound, filled with the shrieks and laughter of children. I followed Gervase silently as we walked past ride after ride, finally stopping in
“You should. I’ll take pictures.”
I bit my lip. “I thought… I thought you were going to ignore me for the rest of the night. After what I said how can you still…“
“So you admit it?” He turned to face me, a sad smile on his lips. “You brought up your ex on purpose. To hurt me. To make me leave. Right?” He sighed. “Does it make you feel better, pushi ng away everyone who gets close to you?”
It doesn’t feel good. But it feels safe. I had endured so much pain from my parents; I had fought so hard to remove them from my life. I didn’t need any more close relationships that could mess with my emotions. I was grateful for Gervase’s feelings, I truly was. But this was where it had to end.
took two steps back. “I am grateful to you, Gervase. And I can tell you genuinely want to help me. But I don’t need it. If you’re here on some kind of mission to save me, please, just give up.
The pain, the sadness, the bad memories… no one can help me with that.”
And I didn’t want anyone to. I was trying. I was trying to live, to work, to get along with people. I didn’t understand why he was so convinced I was on the verge of suicide. I felt normal. I’d always felt like a normal person. Just… with a few small problems.
