Occasionally, I would compare.
His attitude towards me versus his ex–girlfriends.
I remember, whether it was his first love or the one from
university,
He was always so patient, so understanding.
11:02 AM
<
But with me,
He always seemed to have an excuse, saying this wasn’t right, just wait, next time.
Sometimes, I even wondered, *Am I really married?*
Aside from my job, when I came home, I felt almost completely alon
Journal Entry 9
Third year of marriage.
I had a miscarriage.
P
Before I even truly felt the presence of this child, he was gone.
That day, while I was chasing a suspect attempting vehicle theft,
My stomach suddenly cramped with searing pain.
But I still managed to tackle that jerk and drag him back to the precinct.
Once I’d handed him over to my colleagues back at the station,
I couldn’t hold
on
any longer. The pain consumed me, and I blacked out.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital.
A colleague was with me.
She looked at me with pity.
“Aubrey, you had a miscarriage. Why do you push yourself so hard?”
I was stunned.
The searing pain in my abdomen told
Spitali ne it was all true.
“We tried calling your husband, but couldn’t reach him. You should give him a call. Women are most vulnerable after a miscarriage, let him come be with you.”
I told my colleague to go back to work.
Lying in bed, my abdomen cramping, my
heart was a mix of emotions.
I truly wanted a child with Julian.
But when he came, I failed to protect him.
Finally, I picked up the phone and called Julian.
His phone was unreachable.
Suddenly, I felt incredibly wronged.
11:02 AM
<
His phone was unreachable.
Suddenly, I felt incredibly wronged.
After a while, he called back.
A
“Aubrey, what’s wrong? I have a lot of missed calls. Your colleague called
I sniffled.
me too.”
“Julian, where are you? Please come back and be with me. I’m so sorry, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know we had a
I blamed myself, and also felt I had failed him.
It was my fault for not protecting our baby.
“Miscarriage? You were pregnant?”
baby.”
“Yes, I was chasing a suspect attempting vehicle theft today, and I bled a lot. By the time I got to the hospital, the baby was gone.”
“It’s okay, as long as you’re alright. Stay in the hospital for now. I can’t get away right now, but I’ll rush back after these next two days are done!”
My palms went cold.
“Julian, can’t someone else handle things there? I really need you right now.”
“No, Aubrey, I have to oversee this project myself. We’ve been preparing for it for six months.”
I waited two days, and then he returned.
I was also being discharged from the hospital.
That night, as I lay in bed,
I inexplicably started crying.
Julian pulled me into his arms.
“Don’t be sad, it just wasn’t meant to be.”
“Once my body recovers, can we try for another one?”
He murmured a silent affirmation.
I could feel it.
He didn’t want children at all.
never
Since we got married, he had once brought up the topic of having kids.
This time, it
was an
accidental
pregnancy because we ran out of supplies at home.
11:02 AM
<
In his sleep, he groaned softly.
And held me tighter.
“Aubrey, let’s sleep. You don’t know how long it’s been since I had a good night’s rest.”
